Sometimes the energy you feel, and the decisions you make, are VERY real. You cannot screw up somethings, for they change who you are. Your decisions aren't being monitored by any external agent, but your mind is watching. It's listening when you crave, it feeds off of you and misdirects you, and the only thing you CAN do, is cross the bridges that are already on fire. The flames burn bright, and you can feel the heat on your face, but there is no other way to get to the other side, where the rain awaits to comfort your feverishly warm skin.
People may care about you enough to not watch you die, but you can never care that much about yourself. All you seek is completion, Absolution. Consolation barely cuts it.
It's not something you want, it's a need. And if that Need is a person, it's all the more dangerous for you, because then not only do the forces of the universe conspire against you, but the innate nature of humans to destroy something beautiful interacts additively. There's not much you can do either, because as the slow chemical slowly chokes you, you start to see everything behind a haze of memories, and your judgement is clouded by the thick vapors of your dreams.
Hope is a perishable resource, and quickly runs out as you hear more people consoling you than holding your hand and telling you they're with you regardless of the risks for them. Morals are for losers in this universe, for all the others can see things for as they are, without the wishful thinking that blurs your own vision.
It's a difficult life, sticking to your beliefs and principles, but it's the only one you know how to live, even if you're the only one who believes in yourself anymore.
If your enemy is your own respect for love, there is a level of hell deeper than what you've seen so far. Unlike the fires people talk about, this level is dark, there's no light there. Just spine chilling coldness. Not cold enough to kill you or send you into absolution, but cold enough for you to scream with pain as you crawl on the icy floors seeking any trace of light, until your mind starts playing tricks with you, and feigns warm fires afar, just as a mirage eludes thirsty travelers in the desert sands.
There's no other soul you can trust but hers.. and you won't mind, even if she drives a sword into your ribs only to have something she's touched,touch your skin....
